Last Halloween I was in New York for my Uncle's Wedding. I hadn't seen Julia in a while. And I was reading the Perks of being a Wallflower. I was at my Great Aunt Martha's house, and my grandfather's entire family was there. We took the kids out trick or treating and we came back to the house for pizza.
Up until the pizza got there I couldn't stop reading the Perks of Being a Wallflower. Even when the pizza got to the house, I had to stay downstairs to read the end of the book for five more minutes, and when I finished I kind of teared up, and I heard my mom calling me so I had to go upstairs.
I never felt so lonely, and I kept biting my thumb in that stupid way that no one notices to keep from freaking out, and I kind of just stuck to the corner of the room.
And I felt like shit, and I don't believe I let a book get to me like that. I couldn't be alone, because when I went to reread the last chapter a few minutes after dinner, all the kids came downstairs, and my older cousin kind of noticed me just sitting at a table alone and he asked me if everything was okay.
My mom noticed, too, and she asked me what was wrong, and she asked me if my older cousin had done something (implying molestation or something) to me to make me upset, which brought me back the thinking about the book and everything.
We went back to the hotel and I went to the office area to use the internet, and at midnight or something I wrote this e-mail to Julia about what happened, and it was just one of those things. I just realized how much I missed her, and how much I missed everybody, and how much I hated being separated from things that I should have been a part of, like that Halloween. I felt like I wanted to turn over a new leaf, even though I wasn't quite sure if I had done something wrong.
And that's how I've felt for the past two nights, and that's why I keep thinking about why I should be worried, because last Halloween was an awful time, even though the wedding was beautiful.