There was a night during Freshman year of college where K and I stayed in. That happened a lot of nights. I guess those were the nights that I was falling in love with her, but that's one of things that you can't really identify until much later. In the moment I was denying it. I may have very much been in love with Julia at the time, but things were already falling apart long before then and we'd started to let go of each other.

K shared a room with Betty. They lit it with Christmas lights, a very soft glow in the evenings. K and I might have watched a movie, and afterwards she turned on music like she normally did while we talked.

I was on one end of her bed, she was on the other. I remember being near fetal position, but I was tired enough from whatever I did that day to start to drift off. I was half asleep, in and out when I heard voices by the door.

There was a dance of some sort that night, and K's suitemates were returning. Through my dozing I heard them talking about how cute we looked.

A few months later we were in a similar situation. I was taking up the entire bed, and K was relaxing on the floor. It might be the only times I've fallen asleep without my mind consenting. The mattress was just so comfortable and lights were so dim. Whatever music was on, it took me away.

I woke up hours later completely disoriented. I'd been covered in a fleece blanket. The blue glow of K's computer speakers were the only light in the room. My flip phone said 2 AM. I rolled over and saw K on the floor, also covered in a blanket.

Conscious of how not-in-control I was, I got out of bed, stepping over K to get to her desk. I scribbled out a note on her post-it pad, something about how I didn't mean to fall asleep, thank you for the blanket. Maybe something about breakfast in the morning.

I was embarrassed. I don't remember if I was dating Julia still. Either way, I didn't want to be in someone else's room. Something changed in my head around that time, I stopped sleeping over people's houses when I went home. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as anyone else. I wasn't even able to sleep in the same bed as Julia when I would visit her at home.

The next morning my roommate remarked about me coming in so late. I probably blushed and said something about nothing happening.

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